by Ben Gilberti, H.W.,M.
 
Chapter 29 ~  Kiss and Make Up
 
How absurd for us to think that we can be disconnected from God. God is not only all there is, but he's all there is AS YOUR OWN ACTUAL CONSCIOUSNESS. Talk about nearer than hands and feet!
 
And that's what throws us for a loop. It's not that it's TOO close to us. That's not it really. It's that it's CLOSER THAN WE'VE EVER LOOKED BEFORE. It's more intimate than we imagined intimacy could ever be. It disorients us. It stirs up new feelings. We become frightened and then run from the fear and deny it.
 
This is why it is essential to meditate in silence. We can't just "practice the presence" through the day. We have to stop and become completely still several times a day. When we do, each time, we become aware of these new feelings, we experience them without resistance or judgment, and we allow them to dissolve under the authority of the "real you" who says: Be Still, and Know that I am God.
 
If we skip meditations, in a period of time the fears and cover-ups of the fears accumulate until you find it very uncomfortable to sit still. And you may find that a whole day can go by when you've managed to avoid meditating in silence all day.
 
No matter. The more discomfort, the more you stand to gain. Force yourself, if you have to, to sit still anyway. And then gently begin to welcome those denied feelings that are making you so restless, agitated and anxious. Just open up to them. You don't have to analyze them or figure them out or "understand" them or anything like that; all you have to do is simply feel them. Allow them to present themselves to your awareness without any reaction, without you creating any response. You create no response to them whatsoever. You simply feel them, experience them, totally and completely and unreservedly and with purely neutral attention.
 
It's your resistance to them that was locking them in place. Once you welcome the experience of them without any push or pull from you, but simply allow yourself to experience them to the fullest extent they loosen up into the pure dream stuff they are, and sometimes dissolve so completely that you can't even recall their being there in the first place.
 
Maintaining that intimacy with God is essential. And meditation is essential to that maintenance. We have all these countless lover's spats with God, though they are hard to recognize as such because no words or thoughts are involved, only feelings. So several times a day we need to "kiss and make up" with God. In other words we need to get intimate with God again by dilating ourselves to feel our beingness as God, to experience ourselves as God, to surrender to God, to melt or dissolve into God.
 
And just like lovers will sometimes pout for days before they get around to kissing and making up, we sometimes do the same with God, getting awfully busy so that we can manage only 30 second meditations here and there, but strangely avoiding those longer ones. It's just a lover's spat you're having with God, that's all. Just sit down, kiss and make up.
 
Open yourself up to feeling everything without any judgment whatsoever. As you allow yourself to feel everything that way, all the formations that were out of alignment with God dissolve and you end up finally with nothing left to feel but God because nothing other than God now remains. Fully experience everything. If it's something that's not God, your full and unreserved experience of it will result in its dissolving. And the more the not-God stuff dissolves, the more you find yourself with just God as the only thing left to experience.
 
Really loving couples have lots of lover's spats because they keep getting more and more intimate and that keeps touching previously hidden layers of ego. Same thing happens with you and God. Don't think your lover's spats indicate that you are not a good student or anything like that. Quite the contrary, they mean YOU ARE getting intimate with God. But on the other hand don't go pouting for days either. If it's hard to meditate, that's when you need to meditate the most.
 
The only reason why you're pouting anyway is because you're holding on to some judgment you have about something that's come up. When you open up, trust and surrender to God, and allow yourself to experience everything without exception without any resistance or judgment whatsoever, when you do that, you discover that all your grudges against God were nothing in the first place. It was all just you holding on to some judgments again. And as you say to those judgments, "Be Still..." the resistance to feeling and experience that those judgments were creating dissolves, and you find yourself free to experience and feel those things that your judgments were making you push away, and as you feel them in this manner they disappear into God, and you and God are in love once again.


 

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