by Ben Gilberti, H.W.,M.
 
Chapter 30  ~  How to Begin to Experience Yourself as
 
When you go into meditation and become silent, what reveals itself to you to be felt?
 
You can feel your body, and sense it's position in the room, the house, the world and the universe. You can feel your relationships with the people in your life, your partner, your friends, your business associates, merchants, strangers and all of humanity in general. You can feel what you have contributed to the society of humans that will benefit generations yet unborn. You can feel your narcissism and selfishness, the desire to accumulate personal benefits, and the relationship between your selfishness and your desire to benefit all of humanity. You can feel your uniqueness among humans in that you see the divinity hidden behind humanity's duality stupor, and your sense of parental duty to do world-work meditations and to nothingize the pettiness and compulsions and fear humanity puts on display for you every day.
 
Eventually it will become clear to you that what you are really doing is feeling the relationship between you and the rest of all there is, the relationship between you and all that is not you.
 
What identity are you creating in your relationship to humanity? Have you presumed that since humanity is illusory your relationship to humanity is insignificant, and have consequently created a relationship of concealed superiority and aloofness, justifying it as "being in the world but not of it.?" Have you presumed that your duty to humanity is a lofty and heroic one that you have fallen far short of fulfilling, in atonement for which you now work with great persistence at spiritual disciplines yet always feeling somehow inadequate and deviant from the lofty and heroic calling to which you presume you have been summoned?
 
There are innumerable scenarios possible. The important thing is that it is not necessary to make any judgments about any of them. It ultimately doesn't matter what the nature of the relationship is between you and all that's not you. All that matters is that you get to the place that you can allow yourself to feel that relationship, and to experience it on its own terms without the overlays of your judgments.
 
But feel it as a relationship. Don't just attempt to feel your own identity by itself, or to feel the world by itself. Instead feel the relationship between you and the world. No identity exists in a vacuum, but rather each identity depends on the kind of world it projects. And no projection exists on its own either, but depends on the identity that projects it. Self and non-self are woven together in an inextricably interconnected and interwoven whole. If you nothingize only the self that projects the non-self, or if you nothingize only the non-self projected, the other half of the composite will grow its counterpart back, like an earthworm cut in two. And if you attempt to nothingize anything without allowing yourself to experience it without the resistance caused by your judgments, that resistance by its very nature creates the sense of separation that slices it out of your domain of influence.
 
Usually you are initially aware only of one side or the other, either an aspect of your own identity or an aspect of the world that identity projects, and have a vested ego-interest in keeping the other side concealed.
 
The classic example of this is the identity who projects a world populated with what it experiences as contemptible (Jews, homos, niggers, perverts, etc.). In these cases, the identity that projects such a world has judged certain characteristics within itself as contemptible, and in doing so, denies their existence within itself, projecting them as hateful characteristics in others. Ku Klux Klanners, for example, invariably deny and suppress their own sensuality while finding the evidence of sensuality in black people to be intolerable. But these are extreme examples used for illustration. The point is that ANY identity, including of course the identity that YOU maintain, is sustained by the same dynamic, even though in subtler forms.
 
That which is judged as bad or evil or contemptible or perverse or ugly is denied in oneself and projected as external. This is the "benefit" the ego believes it enjoys in splitting reality into two (self and non-self).
 
Nothing can be nothingized so long as you continue to believe it is not you because by believing it is something other than you you have sliced it outside of the domain of your jurisdiction.
 
So you cannot successfully set out with the intention of using your knowledge of God to "clean up your reality," nothingizing all the awful things about your experience. That will not work because the problem is not all the awful things, the problem is your having labeled them awful, and thereby resisting them and locking them in place as your prison bars. If you hadn't resisted, none of it would have gotten locked in place and you wouldn't have to be working so hard now trying to get free of it all. Judging and resisting is what started the whole problem. So you cannot expect to get out of the problem by nothingizing everything you judge and resist.
 
It's the most bewildering paradox in the whole world. Only when you completely accept something do you let it free to dissolve. It runs counter to some of our most fundamental duality patterns. In duality, when you completely accept something you want to KEEP it, not "let it free to dissolve." And in duality, you work very hard to avoid all the things you judge and resist.
 
Now we find out that's all backwards. If you totally accept any experience, and experience it completely, while completely at peace, and without even the slightest hint of judgment or resistance, if you do that, the experience disappears. Why? Because all it ever was in the first place was a particular manifestation of infinite possibility, all it ever was in the first place, in other words, was an experience, nothing more, nothing less; and since the only purpose of an experience is to be experienced (nothing less and nothing more), once an experience is fully experienced (without any judgment or resistance), then the purpose of the experience has been fulfilled and it dissolves. When we judge and resist it, however, that judgment and resistance hinders our ability to completely experience the experience, and so the experience lingers for as long as it takes for the experience to be finally completely experienced.
 
It seems so natural to work at all this with the expectation that somehow it is going to enable you to eliminate all that you resist, and we can find ourselves getting very busy nothingizing all that we resist. But if we take that approach, we find that everything we nothingize is always growing back somewhere else. Because the problem never was the thing we resist, rather it always was that we were resisting it in the first place.
 
Analysis of all this can become quite intricate and complex. But analysis is not what is needed. All that is required is that you go into your meditations and feel your way into all the previously hidden, denied, or resisted aspects of the interwoven composite that constitutes the identity you feel as your "self" and its relationship to the projections you feel as "non-self." What is the nature of your social connection with the world? Again, it doesn't matter what the nature of it is, what matters is that you feel it on its own terms without the overlays of your judgments.
 
As you let go of judging and resisting experience, you find your life becoming very fluid. Along with no longer resisting anything, you no longer hold on to anything either. And since it was only your resistance that was holding everything in place, everything now begins to flow. You begin to experience yourself as infinite possibility experiencing infinite possibilities. In other words, you begin to experience yourself as God.
 
 

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