I Don't Want To Be A Baseball Star
by Dr. Derek Lamar
I thought I was preparing myself for a music career. I kept writing songs, perfecting my ability as a performer, getting musical equipment, finally having a band, at least for awhile, but there was always something else. There was always something I didn’t yet have which was holding me back. For a long time it was a P.A. system and then it was an electric guitar with an amp that I needed to finally have the doors fly open for me. Then I thought I needed an actual group to back me up. I wanted to be a part of a band but I also wanted to be the frontman and the focus because it was “my music”. I worked with The Tweenagers for a short time but something just didn’t click. I don’t think they liked my music and they felt alienated because they were three guys who were close friends and I was an outsider.
(Above right: the usual stance of the archetype baseball player.)
Just when I thought my Rickenbacker and Yamaha amp were enough I decided I needed a Casio keyboard to add a violin sound to the background of certain songs. That opened a new dimension for me. I had played around with pianos in the past but this new keyboard experience was incredible. I had always been a lazy guitarist and hated bar-chording and having to stretch my fingers to play obscure sounds but with the keyboard everything was easy and you could jump octaves without having to learn anything new or add more tedious practice to the already existing labor of playing an instrument. Suddenly I was again on a new journey playing new sounds and styles and writing more music.
(Above: my Rickenbacker guitar and Right: my Casio keyboard. Below: Ted Willliams)
But as I stood at the monument of a life of unknown music, the words still echoed the discovery of life’s twisted journey. At times this allowed enough light in to read the writing on the walls I built to keep myself safe, only for them to be reduced to rubble, often one brick at a time. And this is done in order to rediscover the self we were ashamed of and to discover the divinity there that can only be found within. One of the songs I had written was called “I Don’t Want To Be A Baseball Star”. This particular song was an anthem to the 50’s generation of Little League where parents began their own triumphant march in suburbia to turn their little Billy’s and Tommy’s into future bubble gum baseball card material for some sport agent to discover. Lyrics such as: “Slam, dunk, whack, pow, what’s in it anyhow? The other kids run and slide. Batting average, what the hell, Mickey Mantle, Drysdale, I fumble and I just want to die. Daddy, oh Daddy, I don’t want to be a baseball star.”
Slam dunk reveals just how committed I was to the whole sports concept. The truth was, if my father had been interested in me in sports, then he would have been interested in something --- but he wasn’t. So if I were bad at it that could be reason to turn my back on it and still feel rejected. Again my own failure created it, but still it was useful suffering. We measure our pain in many ways and our solution is often equally painful. The truth of all of this is that my desire to become a rock and roll star was built on the ashes of such a funeral pyre. Out of the rejection of sports I could aspire to something greater and achieve acclaim that even my parents would be hard pressed to ignore.
(Left: Slam dunk. Above right: Don Drysdale and Mickey Mantle baseball cards; record promo of baseball star mania.)
Most of the content of my music was psychological and metaphysical with a panache of 60’s protest thrown in as the angst against a society gone mad. Songs like “Red Alert” focus on the madness of politics which still rings true today with verses such as: “The leftists say it’s a capitalist game and the beasts of money are the ones to blame. It’s a red, red, red, red, red, red, red alert. The right wing lobby sees a socialist scheme, too much government and no more dream. It’s a red, red, red, red, red, red, red alert.” Our social sexual structure could be examined in “No Money Down” where we discover: “No money down is a way to inflate love. No money down never lets you get enough. She kept her promise and her self-control. She kept her interests rates very low. She kept her word she’d never let me go, it’s alright, it’s alright.”
One project began almost immediately after I started using the synthesizer. It just came to me in one fell swoop. It was a theme album in concept and I titled it “The Eleven Wonders of The World”. I took several topics, mostly of a New Age bent, but not entirely, and created a sort of musical collage that overlapped and connected many diverse, seemingly mystical and occult ideas, into a production that was very tabloid in its headline style songs: Men On The Moon: “A handful of scientists are missing it seems. But the roundup of what you’ve missed is in the moonbeams. They got your men on the moon.” The Hollow Earth: “Admiral Byrd, what have you heard? And what have you seen, the land of our dreams?” Zero Year: “It’s not a question of a curse that’s meant to be. It seems the wise man knew a little astrology. A time of danger in the planets yet to be.” We Are Not Alone: “Science fiction, laser beams. You don’t need a weatherman, to know what it means.” The Shroud of Turin: “It wasn’t a religion for the man they thought had died. It was the divinity that you found you had inside. The one you thought was never there, the one that you denied.” Atlantis and the Land of Mu: “Don’t place your bets on what they say in history. What trickles down is usually a mystery.” Pyramid Power: “Built before the flood when Atlantis went to pieces. Were the stones moved about by telekinesis?” The Bermuda Triangle: “Not too narrow, not to deep. That’s the spot that tries to keep your soul.” Unfolding Prophecies: “The feet of clay and of iron there today while the ten toes seen are the coming of a madman’s scheme.” Mark of the Beast (666): “It’s not an idle claim, they’ve given you a number and baby, it’s not the same.” The Invisible Government: “You cannot create a democracy when you’re asleep to your divinity.”
(Above: Derek Lamar not being a baseball star.)
During much of this period I was going to lectures and reading books and studying psychology and metaphysics and things spiritual far more than ever before in my life. That project brought me closer to knowing that a metaphysical knowledge of reality was the only answer to offer people. I knew that my role would involve communication on some level. Those eleven songs were realized and written in only one month. It was a roller coaster of magical music that oddly all fit together. Right after that project I met Moira Timms from England who had published a book titled Prophecies and Predictions. Her book is a conglomeration of ideas that appear to be woven together through the mysterious invisible understanding of a Mind that never sleeps but is busy writing the script of the human drama that is being taken directly from the collective unconscious and played out quietly all around us. Certain spiritual laws are examined which relate the “out and back” of the consciousness of Mind and Man, cosmic cycles, weather and earth changes, prophecy, pyramids, Edgar Cayce, the Bible, astrology, mark of the beast, the economy, healing, the New Age, and UFO’s. The main spin of her book was not to exploit people with aluminum hats but rather bring together something cohesive as to the myriad of ideas that seem obscure and yet might hold the key to changing times. This was an incredible synchronicity for me at this time and it let me know that I was in the right place at the right time.
(Above left and far right: Moira Timms, author, today and from the 1980's.)
In the meantime I was still doing graphics advertising to pay the bills. One job I had was to put together a book called “The People’s Bible”. It was a mail order scam for the most part. People would pay money to be published in a collective enterprise that would publish their stories, poetry, prayers and then they would have to buy copies of it for themselves, their friends and loved ones. I needed money, almost always, but now especially. I decided that I could create some metaphysical Bible study tapes and sell those and this could bring in some much needed income. I put together an outline and began writing. Almost as soon as my pen hit the paper I knew that this was what I should be doing.
I checked an old journal and sure enough May 17, 1983: “Idea came to write metaphysical Bible pamphlets, tapes, hazy realization coming at this period, using my metaphysical knowledge in a mail order way. Basically music career discarded and an expansion as well took place by realizing fuller potential.” Two months earlier I had written my last song: “Something Caught Your Eye”. It had revealing lyrics such as: “Looking at the glass turning into sand, a diamond in the rough becoming coal again, computerized software turning into crystals, what is real and what is artificial.” These lyrics reflect advanced stages of self-realization and express what mystics have often talked about as it pertains to the dissolving of reality and perceiving the Truth in back what we call matter. I had reached a point in my personal studies and in my musical career that demanded a quantum leap with regards to my communication.
(Above right: Moira Timms books: Prophecies & Predictions and "Beyond".)
None of this was so obvious and evident at the time. I knew that there were changes afoot but personally I was still wrestling with my own inner demons and though I had managed to traverse a multitude of emotional canyons and soar above many of life’s common shortcomings, I was still not consciously or objectively observing my own unfoldment. My work was legitimate and sincere but much of it was still ego driven and survival oriented. I could yet make something out of my messed up life and if I had to use spiritual reality to do it, then I damn well would! The admonition that you have to lose yourself to find yourself has little consolation to one who still only thinks about the self that moves them through life on a daily basis.
Clearly I was continuing my journey but with more clarity and conviction. I now had put in my time and paid my dues, to a certain extent, but there would be more to follow. However, I now realized that there was a new perception that might be termed spiritual forensics. A mental science that, like DNA, could decipher the unseen forces that seem to conduct the orchestra that plays the soundtrack for planet earth. It was the discovery of a holographic reality that is sewn together with that same golden thread and whose codes for revealing the principle in back of our existence is the same information we need to know about the entire universe and ourselves. Albert Pike once said: “What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal.” But it is also necessary to know that what you do to free your self is a spiritual breakthrough that is connected to all of life and that is eternal also.
Saga continues: Of The Many Roles I Play
© Copyright Derek Lamar 2006
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